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Which teenage TV cutie was sharing cocktails with her permissive mom at a fashion party in New York? The mom - who favors short shirts and wears her hair just like her daughter - needs to grow up.
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1.) Which 40ish actress has finally gotten pregnant for the first time? Her rep is denying it because she’s only a month into it, and has suffered miscarriages in the past. Said our source: “Watch for her to get bangs and start wearing hats to hide her sagging face because you can’t be on Botox when you are pregnant” . . .
2.) Which gorgeous daughter of a foreign-born billionaire had a fling last year with Prince William? While their families don’t get along, and she could never marry the future King of England, the hookup between their clans was not unprecedented.
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Okay, enough of the hetero, scatological Vices, time for some good ol’-fashioned homo rump-rangin’ activities for an (old) change! After all, when we got that smelly heap o’ emails from folks complaining about the last few stinky-poo Vices—who knew straight people could have such daring fun with excrement?—did you all think we’d actually not return to our well-stacked library of running scared, extremely horny, closeted Hollywood actors? Please.
So, here we are with Seymour Plow-Me-More, multitalented star and performer, both in and out of the bedroom, where he assumes an amazing array of positions, possibilities and partners. But to be fair, when Sey-babe cheats on his hardly naive honey (whose quasi-attractive face seems to harden with each new trick SPMM picks up), it’s usually with good-lookin’ dudes. In fact, it always is.
Take this last time, for ince. Academy Award-nominated Seymour was visiting one of Hell-Ay’s myriad spas, which are to Los Angeles what Greek coffee shops are to Manhattan. This time, for Plow-Me-More’s man-hunting mission, he’d chosen one of Hell-Ay’s more outta the way steam-room joints, toward downtown, thinking nobody would recognize him. Are these celebs on crack? Do they really think incognito only kicks in south of Wilshire?
Seymour cornered his latest beefy selection, took off his own towel (still impressive equipment, must say, even though what’s holding it all together hardly is), and asked for what Seymour usually requests his partners to do to him—i.e., get his oversize bum diddled. The boy—he was almost a boy—declined Mr. Plow-Me-More’s gracious offer and suggested to fellate the movie star instead, a lovely idea that was accepted and received, by the by.
You see, said nooky provider tells us he thought it would be “a bit much” to be corn-holed by Seymour Plow-Me-More in a public steam room. As if a blow job is nothing more than a simple shaking of hands.
Well, in sex-for-everything Hell-Ay, s’pose it is.
And it’s not: The Rock, Chris Rock, or David Spade
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1.) Which kinky fashion writer shocked guests recently when she asked her billionaire husband’s pre-teen daughter - in front of company - to rehash the time the girl walked in on the couple in a compromising bedroom position? . . .
2.) Which dimpled Hollywood mommy is betraying her “all-natural” image? Friends say the down- home actress is becoming ad dicted to lip collagen injec tions . . .
3.) Which movie studio is desperately trying to hide its latest star’s homosexuality? They have made him pair up with his leading lady, whom he couldn’t care less about.
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Sha-Sha Shimmy is one of the most beautiful babes in Hollywood. She’s also simply a doll. Hey, she’s not only a primo g-f to all her girlfriends (a rarity in this man-stealing, amiga-backstabbing enclave), but she, like, eats! Who knew?
And guess what? SSS looks divine, full of luscious curves that buttloads of hungry guys ‘n’ gals live to drool (and more) over. Sha-Sha can even act, too, come to think of it, but that’s, uh, not really her forte. However, Ms. Shimmy is damn serious about getting her less paparazzied career more on the roll, which is why she decided to slim down a bit for a part (heaven knows women over 62.5 pounds don’t get hired for nada in this two-by-four town).
So, triple S did what a lotta ladies tryin’ to lose the pounds do: No, not barf or drug, thank heavens, but she took some laxatives, which didn’t seem to work. So, she took some more. Went to sleep, forgot about it.
Next ayem, Sha-Sha remembered she needed to run some errands at the local shopping mall, which she sped off to in her smart wheels. And there she was, near Beverly Hills, comparing pillows and baskets, when—suddenly—S.S. realized she better get to a can—and fast! But, SSS hates pooping in public loos, so she sped out of the parking lot and, being impatient as she was, hit the car in front of her.
A very unhappy, very large woman got out and screamed at the top of her triple-chin curdling shrill for Sha-Sha to get out of her car—now. Sha-Sha declined, which enraged the bashed driver even more.
Finally, Shimmy was so vocally attacked by this brittle broad that she reluctantly got outta her spiffy job and—of course—let loose all over her skintight (SSS wears nothing else) jumpsuit, all the loosened stools those laxatives were so late in jimmying leaking everywhere inside, and through, her chic outfit.
Oh, and—you guessed it—the jumpsuit was the most beautiful shade of…snow white. At least, it used to be.
And it Aint: Queen Latifah, Jennifer Coolidge, or Tyra Banks
Translation: Basically a sexy, curvy actress celeb who can act (but isn’t famous for acting) used laxatives to lose weight. The next day, she gets hit with a wave of diarrhea at a store and rushes home. Leaving the parking lot, she hits another car. She gets out of the car and has an accident in her jumpsuit.
Who could it be?
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Nobody knew who Mr Nice Guy was until he married a very famous celebrity. She adored his good manners and sweet disposition. He was manly and sensitive and even loved to dance. But the marriage imploded and since his A-list wife left him he hasn’t had much luck with the ladies. Even though he’s famous and has money now. Why? Because what he really needs in an implant. He’s a big boy who’s tiny in all the wrong places - a prime candidate for “enhancement.” Girls who’ve gone home with him seldom come back for seconds.
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1.) WHICH Hollywood trio of friends is in trouble? One is on crack, one’s on smack, and the other cheats so much on his wife that he single-handedly is supporting several hookers . . .
2.) WHICH high-priced lawyer’s wife makes interviews for her prospective domestic employees very uncomfortable? She orders them to strip down and forces them to take an impromptu lie-detector test . . .
3.) WHICH singer keeps her slender frame so thin the old-fashioned way? Seems a “major eating disorder” helps keep her midriff worth baring.
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1.) WHICH “socialite” who’s suffering photo withdrawal since socialiterank.com closed got down on her knees for a party paparazzo? He accepted her favors and then snapped away . . .
2.) WHICH beleaguered gazillionaire record genius once did everything he could to make sure the official records of his son’s death didn’t mention he had AIDS? . . .
3.) WHICH celebrity chef got carried away on liquid ecstasy during a big party on Mykonos? The cute cook “ran around naked and participated in a sex orgy,” our spy swears . . .
4.) WHICH rock star’s daughter has a major drug problem? Trying to keep up with her boyfriend, she recently passed out “foaming at the mouth” at an L.A. club, where a rehabbed pal found a huge bag of cocaine hidden in her bra.
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Which teenage “American Idol” reject is already cropping up on the L.A. gay bar scene?
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This hot hunk of an actor is desperate to have a career. He’s young, pretty, and stupid, and the only decent acting job he ever got was because he slept with the TV series creator. The show made him rather famous, but that’s over and now his career is faltering. He’s getting ready to make the ultimate sacrifice of switching teams once again. He’s got his eye on a powerful and connected member of Hollywood’s gay mafia who’s known for having lavish parties and helping the cute young guys that he sleeps with.
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1.) Which lovely blond actress has been attracting more attention for her coke habit than her fledgling career lately? It’s not just her friends who are worried.
2.) Which top model and train wreck actress shocked onlookers at an outdoor gifting suite in L.A. by busting out what one witness swears was a crack pipe?
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